Break My Heart for What Breaks Yours

“Lord, break my heart for what breaks Yours.”  How many times have you prayed that?  I’ve prayed it many, many times.  And frankly I’d never given too much thought to what that prayer actually MEANS.   That is until God answered this prayer for me one night in Minter, Alabama in a small A-framed chapel that sits on a lake found on the grounds of an old Sherriff’s Boys Home.  You might know it as SafetyNet Academy.   I was one of only two women there and one of only seven or so total who weren’t staff or residents of SNA.  Randy had gone to serve there a couple of times and had challenged me to go too.  I didn’t want to, but Connie called and asked if I could, she needed help serving pizza.  Little did I know how much that night would forever change my life and my heart. 

God chose that night to truly break my heart for what breaks His.  He wrecked me.  And He did so in the form of a nine year old boy who was lying prostrate on the altar begging God to show him where He had been during some of the worst times in his life and in history.  Imagine this, Kevin is playing worship music.  Some boys are making their way to the altar.  This one child, “C”, had been up and down all night.  His poor little mind wouldn’t allow him to sit still.  His mental and physical issues were just too much.  But at one point during worship, the Holy Spirit helped him make his way to the altar.  He lay down and started crying out to God with every ounce of his being.  “God, where were you the night the men killed my mother?  God where were you the night the men killed my daddy?”  “God I know you’re real, show me you’re real.  I need to know you’re real.  God where were you in Haiti?  God how can you let this happen?”  At some point, Kevin stopped speaking and allowed the Holy Spirit, through the heart of this broken, hurting, nine year old boy, speak for him. 

And God broke my heart for what breaks His.

He allowed me to see “C” the way He sees him.  Broken.  Alone.  Afraid.  Orphaned.  Hungry.  I somehow held it together that night.  And then on the following Monday morning, God reminded me of “C” and all he had gone through.  A song came on the radio, “The Voice of Truth”, and I started to cry.  And I cried for the next three days.  Connie put it best when she said, “It’s the only time I’ve ever grieved for a live child.”  I grieved for “C”.  I grieved for all that had been taken from him and all that he had gone through.  My heart was broken.   God allowed me to see and feel his suffering.   And it was HARD.  Probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through.  It was three years ago and I when I think about it, I still get the same feeling in my spirit.  The hardest part is that “C” had been so damaged by his mother’s drug use and by the abuse he had suffered at the hands of many, many people that his mind could never comprehend Jesus or His free gift of salvation.  I do fully believe God will one day heal him completely in Heaven.  And I am so very thankful for that.

A lot of people have asked me if I’m afraid of going to Thailand.  Whether or not I’m afraid of being away from my family for that long.  If I am afraid of traveling that far by myself.  Am I apprehensive about meeting new people and spending time with them for that long, in those circumstances?  The answer to all of these questions is no.  Not really.  Strangely, I have a peace about these things.  That’s not to say that Satan won’t take a stab at me the closer I get to the date of departure.  But for now, I’m good.

What I am afraid of is God truly breaking my heart for what breaks His while I’m there.  I want so desperately for God to wreck my life totally for Him, but at the same time, I’m scared to death that He will. 

Romans 7:15 anyone? 

I recently read a blog post by Annie Dieselberg, founder of Nightlight International, where she describes meeting a teenage girl in a bar in Bangkok.  The girl was young, maybe 16 or so.  She was hoping to make some quick, easy money for school waiting tables and dancing in the bar.  She indicated that she was a virgin and “didn’t like that kind of thing.”  What she didn’t know is that she was already in debt more than a week’s worth of wages before she stepped in the door just by agreeing to take the job.  She had to pay for the costume, taxi, food, etc.  And a lot of these debts would only increase the longer she stayed there.  In other words, she would most likely NEVER earn any money.  Instead she would spend her time trying to pay off debts.  She would probably be given a month to get familiar with the surroundings and then she would be expected to take on “customers”.  She truly had no clue what she had signed up for.

One image that Annie describes is of her on stage “dancing”.  She had no idea what to do so she just swayed to the music and leaned up against the pole.  She was obviously embarrassed and kept looking to Annie for encouragement or just a kind smile.  She didn’t even know how to wear her bikini-like costume, leaving on her white underwear which peeked out of all sides of her bikini bottoms.  It’s this image that broke my heart.  I can’t get it out of my mind.  God called to mind a time when Syd was about six years old and we were going to the pool.  She had dressed herself and came out of her room with her little white panties peeking out all around her bathing suit bottom.  The pure innocence of a child.  God’s child.

The girl in Bangkok was that innocent too.  A “friend” had told her about this great job where she could make money for school.  She was just trying to better herself and to help out her family. 

I’m afraid to pray for God to totally break my heart while I’m there.  But I'm even more afraid not to.  God, wreck me for You.  Break me for the men, women and children in Thailand.  God, break me for the people there who perpetrate the crimes.  Give me Your strength to see them as You see them.  Use me Lord. 

Please pray for me. 

Oh, and the girl in the bar?  Annie just found out that she left that night and never went back. 

Praise God. 

How Did I Get Here?
Lately I've found myself asking, "How did I get here?"  How does a woman who grew up in Pea Ridge, Alabama (Yes, that's a real place) find herself signed up to go on a mission trip to minister to men, women and children in the Red Light District of Thailand?  Well, that's a good question. 

For the past year or so, Randy and I felt like God was calling us to missions overseas.  We've always felt that our mission field was here in America, in Alabama, in Alabaster.  We are active in our community, we minister to the boys at SafetyNet, we are privileged to be able to participate in ministry with Kevin Derryberry Ministries at LifeTech, the Lovelady Center, and the Wellhouse.  But God started showing us that these things weren't enough.  We’re called to reach ALL people, even to the ends of the Earth.  We prayed and felt that Randy and Sydney were being called to Belize.  Our church sponsors a school there - Light of the Valley - through KidsKonnect4Jesus.  The church organizes mission teams several times a year to go and love on these kids, their families and their community.  Randy and Sydney leave in 4 days (FOUR DAYS!!) to be a part of the ministry God is growing there.  I cannot wait to see how God works through and in them while they are there. 

But I didn't feel like I was supposed to go with them.  I felt I was supposed to go somewhere and do something that was outside my comfort zone.  God has been teaching me a ton about dependence and this trip was to be another step on that journey.  I reached out to Adventures in Missions and I was put in contact with a counselor who spent some time on the phone talking with me about where I felt God was leading me this year.  She advised me to pray, read the trip blogs and “chase the peace”.  Pray and ask God to allow me to feel peace about the choice I was making. I started looking at the blogs and the only one that would load on the website was the one about the trip to Thailand.  I tried for a couple of days and EVERY TIME that was the only blog that would load.  Truth.  I promise.  I read every single entry for the past couple of years.  And I cried and cried. 

I read about the abuse the women there endure.  I read about all the messed up beliefs due to their “religion”.  I saw the shame on their faces in all the pictures.  I read about how no one helps them, not even their families in most cases.  So I prayed about it and I chased the peace.  I called my counselor at AIM back and told her that I decided on Thailand. 

Immediately after that phone call, I started hearing from friends and family who knew someone in Thailand who was on mission.  My sister-in-law, my good friend, someone I work with.  These were people I talk to almost every single day and they had never mentioned Thailand or their connections to it.   

My dear friend asked if I would participate in Celebrate Recovery's Cardboard Testimonies.  My testimony read, "I used to hang out in bars to get drunk.  God is sending me into the bars in Thailand to share Jesus."  Little did I know, God had prepared me even in my sin.  I stepped off the stage and a man handed me 3 bills of Thai money.  He said he “was supposed to give them to me”.  What he didn’t know is that the only way that we will be allowed to speak to the women in the bars is to buy them sodas.  Basically to buy their time.  The money he gave me represents three women that I’ll meet there.  Please join me in praying for these three women specifically. God knew that I needed further confirmation so He sent a man with Thai money to Westwood Baptist Church in Alabaster, Alabama on that specific Sunday and prompted him to give the money to me.  You can't make this stuff up people.   

I’ve been praying for God to give me a verse for my trip.  He has been faithful to do so.  John 10:10.  “The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy.  I have come so that you may have life and have it more abundantly.”   For years and years I ran from God because I was worried about what I would have to give up as a follower of Christ.  I never thought about what I would gain.  The freedom from shame, the hope, the pure joy (even in trials), a redeemed marriage, a community that loves me and my family and is there when we need them.  I was worried about what I would HAVE to give up.  I missed the boat.  I WANTED to give up all the yuck because of everything that I GAINED through Jesus.  I don’t want the thief anymore.  I want Jesus.  And I want to share Jesus with those ladies and men in Thailand who don’t want the thief anymore.  They want freedom.  They want hope.  They want joy.  They want peace. 

They will give up everything to gain all.